Trapped

I have felt trapped for a long time now. Trapped in a dark place where I am not allowed to speak my truth. I haven’t always felt this way and in fact, there was a time I felt I could speak freely about my feelings (kindly, of course). Over the years, however, I have had people come in and out of my life that can’t handle when anything is being spoken against what they believe to be true.

I always hear people say, “we should be able to disagree with one another without harsh language or putting each other down.” It has become evident that that is just a façade for most people. They want this image that they are easy-going and likable, but it is proven to be the opposite of when a difficult conversation comes into play.

There are conversations I have attempted with friends and some family over the years that, despite my gentle approach, went south very quickly, showing me they cannot handle when someone tells them they have said or done something hurtful. Look, we are all human, it is normal to fuck up sometimes and we have to be ok with admitting that. It’s not possible to keep valuable people in your life if you can’t put your pride to the side sometimes.

I have spent so much time apologizing to people over and over before I realized they were gaslighting me and I didn’t need to apologize for anything. Granted, I have made promises to my friends and family that they can ALWAYS come to me if I have said or done something hurtful by accident, and I WILL apologize and fix it, because I value my relationships and I am ok with knowing that as a human, I might fuck up sometimes. Why can’t some of y’all do the same in return though?

I have learned some things though. I have learned to be the kind of friend to others in a way that I want them to be to me. For example, it is super important to validate my friends’ feelings, even if I feel different. If you come to me to vent about someone or something that has hurt your feelings, I will make sure you know that you are allowed to feel that way and you have that right to, even if it is not something that would bother me. If I come to you to vent or talk and you just make me feel like shit for bringing it up because that is “ridiculous” to feel the way I feel, then the trust I have in you will disappear.

Don’t let that happen, just be a good friend.

It’s not hard.

The number of times I have been made out to be a monster for this shit has hurt me to the core. I discuss it in therapy often and my therapist has taught me to write it all down. So here I am, writing it all down, because talking to narcissistic people is impossible and this may be the only way to go. Which reminds me, I will be writing a nice letter to Ultimate Properties. LOL… if you don’t know that story, feel free to ask me!

With that said, If I am being kind and you come at me aggressively because you don’t like what I am saying, then I will ignore you or grey rock the shit out of you. If that happens, it means you need to simmer down a bit, because I know I deserve the same respect in return.

Is writing really the only way to go though? I am coming to the point where I may have to leave this dark place and be ok with being open and honest again, and if it backfires on me again, then I won’t have a single issue with pulling out the giant scissors and making a cut from my life. You know why that’s so easy for me to say? Because there are only a handful of people in my life that I truly value SO much that I would be devastated if they were not in my life, and by the grace of God, those same people are wonderful to open up to. They give so much grace and have no problem having difficult conversations, and our relationship only builds. *looks up* Thank you, Lord. I am sure you know who you all are, and I thank you and love you so much for that.

Maybe… just maybe, God knows I deserve that.

The Lack of Justice

A majority of people in this world we live in are good people. People that care about you, people that want to help you, and people that are honest. Unfortunately, there are still some people that don’t care, that are rude, that bully, or are just flat out cold-hearted. Steven and I do our best to remain happy, positive, fun people with good hearts, but unfortunately, behind our smiles, we were dealing with something difficult. We were fighting with a rental company called Ultimate Properties… they are rude and conniving at worst. I want to share our story in hopes that it can prevent another family from going through this. It’s a fair warning to be extra careful when it comes to rental companies and trying to find a home.

Keep in mind as you are reading this… we have proof of EVERYTHING I am about to tell you. I know if the rental company reads this, they will try to argue and say I am “exaggerating” as they have told me before. Again… I have proof of all of it, so if you want to see it, feel free to ask and I will show you. 😊

During my pregnancy in 2018, we knew we needed a bigger home. So, we started searching for a good size home in a good area. As some of you might remember, we found one we were excited about and I even posted a picture of it to FB. I never thought renting this home would become a nightmare though. We applied for the house in September of 2018 and we were approved right away. After approval, I asked them if we could go see the house in person, to which they rejected us right away. They informed us that they do not allow tenants to see a home in person without the deposit first. This should’ve been a huge red flag, but I tried to remain positive and I thought to myself, “well, the pictures are beautiful, so I am not too worried.” So, we paid them $1,195.00. Then on October 3^rd, they allowed us to go see the house and I brought my sister-in-law with me since Steven was at work. She and I both noticed how dirty the house was, but they did promise it would be fully cleaned before we moved in, so again, I was not too concerned. The only thing that was a little alarming was a large stain in the middle of the living room floor. The stain was literally about 4 to 5 feet long and in the shape of an “L.” I assumed the previous tenants had a sectional. There was a maintenance guy there at the time and I pointed out the stain to him, to which he confirmed the stain will be completely removed prior to move in.  I also spoke with a Rylee and she told me not to worry and that everything will be perfect before we get the keys.

We got the keys to the house on October 13^th. We walked in on move-in day and the first thing I noticed was that large stain… still there. I called and spoke to Rylee and told her about it and she said, “the stain is not there anymore, it was cleaned.” I told her that I am literally standing over it and it is still here. She then said, “no, it’s not. It was cleaned and I saw pictures.” I told her again, “I am literally standing over it, it is still here.” She proceeded to ask me to take pictures and text them to her, to which I did. Once she got the pictures, she scheduled the carpet cleaner, Troy to come to our home and clean the living room carpet, but he was not available until the next day. So, we had to hold off on moving our stuff in. The next morning, I met with Troy at the house and he was polite and cleaned the carpet in the entire living room. From there, the stain disappeared and never came back. Which makes me think they never cleaned it in the first place.

On October 15^th, Steven and I noticed a distinct smell of pet urine coming from one of the guest rooms upstairs, and this is the room we had planned to turn into a nursery for Maverick.

On October 16^th, the smell was so bad that we had to take everything out of the room and keep the window open in there. I called Ultimate Properties and spoke to a Nichole and told her about the awful smell and that I believe there is pet urine in the carpet from the previous tenant. Nichole responded and I quote, “we cannot just come and clean your house whenever you ask.” I told her that is not what I am doing, I am asking them to just clean the carpet in THIS room because it is not safe for anyone’s health to be breathing that in. She continued to refuse their help.

That night, we used a black light and turned the lights off in the room. Sure enough, there was dog urine ALL over the room. We continued throughout the house, and I was surprised to find out that there was urine throughout the entire home. It was just the worst in that guest room. Which makes sense, to be honest, because the whole house had a moldy-like smell, but we just did our best to cover it up. We called the rental company again and told them that we used a black light. From there, they decided to send Troy to our house and do a cleaning in the room. I knew it wouldn’t work because pet urine goes down to the sub-flooring, but we let him try anyways. While Troy was at our house, I went into the room with him while he used his own black light. He also confirmed there was dog urine all over the room and he did his best to remove the urine from the carpet with his special treatment. For a few days after, it did smell better, but it didn’t take long before the smell came back with a vengeance.

We started to email Ryan from Ultimate Properties with our concerns with the carpet and we mentioned to him that the cleaning of the carpet does not take the smell away… it needs to be replaced. He said he will not replace the carpet because our lease says we are not allowed to make any demands for “improvements” of the home. It did not matter how specific we were, he would not listen. Not once did we ask for improvements on the home, we asked for something to be replaced due to a health hazard. He refused to replace the carpet and kept telling us we need to accept it the way it is, and this discussion will no longer continue. He then proceeded to tell us that he spoke with Troy and Troy told him that he took a black light to the room and he did not find any dog urine stains. I then called Troy and recorded to the entire call as he confirmed there IS dog urine in the room and he also told me on the phone that he told the rental company that the carpet needs to be replaced. I then emailed Ryan again and told him about this recorded phone call and asked him if he would like me to send it to him. Of course, he never responded. We proceeded to send two more emails, but Ryan never responded to those either.

Keep in mind, I read something in the Arizona Tenant/Landlord Act that states that if there are conditions in the home that are hazardous to a tenant’s health, the landlord must remedy the situation immediately.

It wasn’t worth the stress anymore, so from there, we decided to just close off that room and turn the second guest bedroom into a nursery.  So, at this point, we were paying for a 3-bedroom, two bath home, but we were only able to utilize two of the bedrooms.

What comes next is where it gets ugly…

Fast forward to Summer at the end of June. Maverick started to get very sick and I am sure you all can remember how bad he was. He was in the ER twice… one of those times, he was rushed there by ambulance. He had such a bad case of croup, that we almost lost our baby. The details of what happened does not matter as much as what caused it…

Shortly after he started getting better, we noticed that our water heater was going haywire. I called the rental company and spoke to Nichole again and told her something is wrong. She sent a guy to our home on a Monday morning from a different company, but I honestly don’t remember the name of the company or the guy. He was actually really nice but noticed that our water heater has had a leak. The leak had gone on for so long that it created so much mold that the mold was growing several mushrooms. Gross, I know. He immediately reported it to the rental company, and he said they would be calling me about this, but I did not receive a call. Come Tuesday, the next day, I hadn’t heard from them, so I called. They didn’t answer. I called again on Wednesday… no answer. I called again on Thursday and I finally got a hold of a man named Russ. I told Russ about the leak and the mold. He was surprised by this and asked me when the mold was discovered, and I said that it was found on Monday. He responded and said, and I quote, “you found the mold on Monday and you are just now telling us?!” First of all, I have been calling every damn day, and second, that does not matter. The point is… there is MOLD. They said they cannot replace it until they get approval from the owner of the house. This was a surprise to me! At the very top of our lease, it states that Ultimate Properties is the only owner of the home… nowhere on the lease does it say there is another owner. So, I let that go and told them to call me when they hear back from the owner. Several days went by and I called and spoke to Nichole again and she said, “we spoke to the owner and got approval to replace the water heater.” This got me wondering when they heard from him and why did they wait for me to call them? So, I scheduled the replacement anyways.

In the meantime, I spoke with Maverick’s doctor and asked him if he is safe to be around mold and he was surprised to hear there was mold in the home and told us we need to leave. He then confirmed that his croup was caused by the mold and his continued coughing since he was born was caused by the dog urine in the carpet. So, we packed some of our stuff and left the house to stay at my parents’ house for a bit. During this time, a good family friend of ours works as an Environmental Specialist and he did his own tests throughout our home. He found that the highest numbers were in that infamous guest room… not surprising.

On July 26^th, Steven and I went to Ultimate Properties to meet with Nichole and Russ in person to tell them we need to break the lease. It was about a fifteen-minute conversation explaining what is going on and we have the right to break the lease at this point. They told us that we cannot break the lease and we have no choice, but to stay there until the end of our lease. At that point, we sent an email to Ryan telling them that we need to break it and the reasons why. We also asked for a copy of the homeowner’s insurance policy. He did not respond to our email. We sent a follow up email the next day, but he did not respond to that one either. We then sent them a certified letter in the mail as well as hand-delivered a copy of it to them. I actually handed it to Russ myself. I had this encounter recorded on my phone as proof.

On July 29^th, they sent that company back to our house to “replace” the water heater. However, they did not replace it. They took the water heater out, placed it in our front yard and left. So, we were completely without water at that point. ALSO, we lived in an HOA community that would have charged us for the water heater being in our front yard if someone reported it, but thankfully, nobody did. I spoke to Nichole again on this matter and she said they wanted to do an air test in the house first before they put the new water heater in. They were blatantly ignoring the fact that we did not have a water heater in the home, which makes the home unlivable.

On July 30^th, I called the rental company to speak to Russ about the letter we sent to them. I spoke to a Lupe first and when I asked for Russ, she said I cannot speak to him and that I can only email Ryan. I told her that I handed the letter to Russ himself so I would like to speak to him. She then said, “you can call as many times as you want, but you are not speaking to Russ.” Shen then hung up on me. So naturally, I called again, but this time, Nichole answered. She said the same thing. After that, Ryan sent Steven and email and told him that we are not allowed to go to their office ever or they will ask us to leave. He then emailed Steven and told him that I was harassing his office by calling, hanging up, and calling back multiple times. Which is funny because I only called twice and the reason I called a second time was because they hung up on me.

From there, Steven made the attempt to contact Ryan via phone call. Lupe answered and did the exact same thing to Steven… she said he has to email only, then hung up on him. Steven made a second attempt, but the same thing happened again. Here is what is hilarious! Ryan then emailed ME and said that Steven is harassing his office by calling, hanging up, and calling back multiple times. (Cue the hilarity).

Ultimate Properties then blocked both of our phone numbers. So, at that point, we couldn’t call, and they were not answering any of our emails.

On July 31^st, Steven went to the house to prove the water heater was still in the front yard and no new one was there yet. He made sure to record a video of himself to show this.

On August 1^st, we paid our rent and spoke to an attorney. We showed him everything and he knew right away that we had a good case.

On August 2^nd, we went back to the house to remove all of our belongings and start cleaning, but we noticed something different. The drywall had been completely replaced on the spot where the water heater is supposed to be. So, we knew that someone had entered our home without our consent or knowledge. Per the Arizona Tenant/Landlord Act, the landlord must notify the tenant 48 hours prior to entering the home. We did not receive a notice, nor did we give them permission to enter. I spoke with the woman that works with the drywall company via text message and asked her about it. She said, “we did the drywall repairs at the Purdue property on 8/1 at 5pm. Our drywaller met a representative from Ultimate Properties and they let us in to do the work.”

On August 5^th, we finally received a text message from the guy that first found the mold and he said he will be at our home to put the new water heater in. This confused me because we were unaware of when the new one was coming, and we had not heard of the results from their air test yet. I spoke to this guy via text message and he said, “Nichole said that an inspector would be meeting me at your place tomorrow around noon? Is that the same guy that gave you the results?” Welp, we never got the results, so that was interesting.

We reached back out to the rental company via email and Ryan actually responded, and he said all is fine and the results from their air test was negative. I requested to see a copy of the results, but he actually refused and said they do not need to show me the negative results. I am not sure if there is a law on this, but we did not feel safe in the home and they wanted us to remain living there without proving that it is safe. We just had to trust their word? If I was the rental company, I would’ve proven this right away. So, why can’t they?

From this point, all communication needed to be done between our attorney and Ultimate Properties. Ryan was very sarcastic and rude to our attorney… it seemed as if he thought our attorney was a fake. He wrote up a demand letter and sent it to them certified mail. Low and behold, they never responded to it. There is a lot more detail from this point forward, but I am going to cut to the chase here at the end…

Our attorney asked Ryan how we can give them the keys back since they blocked our numbers and we were told we are not allowed in their building. He told our attorney not to worry about it and the house is being turned over to them anyways.

Fast forward to September 18^th – Steven and I moved into our new place. Right after that, Ryan emailed us and asked us if we are still living in the home and we told him “no.” Our attorney also told him that we vacated the property.

Roughly about five days later, our attorney received an email from Ryan stating, “we missed you in court yesterday…” To our surprise, we had a court date! Didn’t even know. Ultimate Properties is claiming that they served us on September 20^th by placing the service paperwork on the front door and mailing it to us, which is interesting, because they knew we were not living there. Our attorney should’ve received the service paperwork too, but he never did, which is also interesting. Regardless, they provided a tracking number for the service paperwork, but when our attorney looked up the tracking information, it said it was invalid. Since we “failed to appear in court,” we have a judgment against us. Of course, we did our best to vacate the judgment by doing a legal argument in court on January 7th. I was not able to attend this argument, but Steven did. He also recorded the entire hearing on his phone, so I could listen to it later.

That night, I listened to the recording and was quite surprised by what I heard. The rental company’s attorney stated that they will never show the results of the air test, he also said that we have no proof of any mold, and he said that they replaced the water heater in “legal statutory time.” Again, why won’t they show the results? Seems suspicious to me. Also, we do have proof… of everything. AND they did not replace the water heater in legal time… it took them an entire week. Per the law, if a home is not livable, that is a breach of contract.

During this hearing, our attorney mentioned the tracking number being invalid, but the judge said, “well, the post office is not always reliable.” He contradicted himself at the end though. At the end of the hearing, the judge decided to keep the judgment in place all because the rental company never got the keys back from us. He said, “the Freys could’ve just mailed the keys.”

Even though the post office is not always reliable? Interesting.

Regardless, the judge did not seem to care about any of the evidence and what happened to us, and the fact that the rental company told us not to worry about the keys… he was just going by the law that apparently states that we were served properly.

We spoke to our attorney again the other day and there are other options. I would love to go in front of a jury because I am 99% sure we would win if we did. However, that 1% is stopping me… I fear that 1% would happen for some crazy reason and we would owe way too much money.

Is it worth it? I am not sure. By law, “they won,” but we all know what they did was wrong. They did some illegal things and even lied multiple times, but yet somehow, we are paying the price. It really makes me question the justice system. Where is the justice here?

The outcome is unfortunate, but Steven and I are using this as a lesson learned. Now we know to be much more careful. You know what makes me feel better though? Believing in karma.

Please be warned… DO NOT RENT FROM ULTIMATE PROPERTIES.

 

The OCD Mind

Well, hello there! Thank you for stepping into my office, have a seat. I’m about to take you on a pretty intense ride. The OCD ride. If you know me pretty well, then you already know that I suffer from OCD and know how debilitating it has been for me. If you haven’t read my OCD story, please go back and read my other story on my blog page. Thanks!!

Anyways, if you ever get a chance to come to my apartment, you will notice a few things. You will notice that I am fairly clean, organized, I appreciate things being color coordinated or matching, and I hardly ever find a new place for decorations. Unfortunately, most people would look at me and say, “Tara, you are so OCD.” Then there are those that say they are “so OCD” because they are also neat and organized. Now, I applaud you for being an organized person like myself, but this is not OCD. Fun fact: hoarding is a form of OCD. Are hoarders clean and organized? No. So please do us all OCDers a favor and stop linking cleanliness and organization to OCD. It’s actually quite offensive… let me explain why…

There are many levels and forms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I wrote it out again in hopes that you might understand why most people are incorrect in their definition of OCD. Don’t understand? Allow me to explain. The “obsessive” part indicates that one with the disorder would obsess over any unwanted or uncontrolled thoughts, also known as intrusive thoughts. These thoughts are typically fears, and these fears include worrying that one might kill someone, that one might turn into a pedophile, that one might not love or be attracted to their significant other anymore, that one might turn gay, one might die from simply touching a door handle, etc. Some other fears include worrying about a loved one dying or getting sick or a loved one getting into an accident. Now, let me back up and say something real quick… being gay is not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, but some straight people with OCD do have the fear of suddenly being attracted to those of the same sex. Most of these people are even in a heterosexual relationship/marriage and love their significant other very much, but still feel that worry inside. These fears can get so intense, that they can actually form feelings. One with OCD can actually have feelings that are not real. They can feel they want to do something they don’t really want to do, or they may have a “groinal response,” which can be confused as sexual arousal. Yes, anxiety can cause these feelings which, in turn, makes the anxiety worse.

The “compulsive” part indicates that one would act on compulsions in attempt to alleviate the anxiety and the thoughts. There are thousands of compulsions that us with OCD do. For me, I perform rituals for everything… literally. I have a thing with odd numbers, so I count everything I do and I make sure I never stop on an even number, and I also step in and out of each doorway a certain number of times. A couple of other things I do is tap on items, move small items around, and I stare at things. I do these little things until it just “feels” right. If I don’t do this, I feel like someone will die or that my intrusive thoughts are real. Another type of compulsion is reassurance checking. One would continue to ask other people for reassurance that their thoughts are just their OCD or that their thoughts are not real. Once they get this reassurance, they calm down… for just a short time. OCD is evil and the anxiety does come back. It’s a vicious cycle.

Let me tell you a short story about what happened to me a while back. At one point in my life, my OCD was a lot worse off than it is right now. During this time, I had to do nonstop rituals from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. Every. Single. Day. One day, I couldn’t get to that “feel right” feeling with one of my rituals and it stressed me out so bad, that I sat on my bed and I did not move. I hardly even blinked. I was so afraid that my one small ritual I couldn’t complete was going to ruin my life and somehow everyone in my family would end up dead. I felt the safest thing to do was not move because I feared that “control” I had.

Khloe Kardashian is apparently very organized, which again, I applaud people for, but she recently said, “you say OCD is a disease, I say it’s a blessing.” Sorry, but there is no level of OCD that is a blessing. Think about this for a second… every single person in the entire world has random unwanted thoughts. For example: one might have a random thought of stabbing someone they care about. A person without OCD would just shrug it off knowing that it is a ridiculous thought, but a person with OCD will hold on to that thought. They will continue to think over and over that they are a psychopath. They will tell themselves over and over that they are fine and will never harm someone, but that’s when OCD comes knocking and says, “but what if?” From there, it’s a downward spiral. “I would never hurt someone. But what if I do? What if I am crazy? No, I’m not crazy, I’ve never hurt anyone. But what if I have? No, that’s not true, my friends and family always tell me I’m a good person. But what if they are lying or they just don’t know? What if I am in denial and I’m using my OCD as an excuse? No, it’s just OCD talking. But what if it’s not? Have I hurt anyone? No, I never have. But what if I did and I chose to block it out? I think I have hurt someone. I am a dangerous person. I should avoid all dangerous objects or weapons. I should just avoid people completely. In fact, I don’t deserve to live.”

Is it really a blessing, Khloe?

As you can see, OCD is a doubting disease. I’ve mentioned this before, but living with OCD is like living with a demon inside you that is always telling you that you are a bad person or that if you do not perform your rituals, then you will become a bad person or someone will get hurt. It latches on to your greatest fears and tortures you with them. OCD can also cause issues with memory. One can actually have false memory of events… as mentioned above with someone thinking they hurt someone when they never did. Another type of false memory that can occur is what I went through a few years back. For about five months straight, I was never 100% sure about anything… and I mean ANYTHING. For example: I would drive to the grocery store, grab some food, and come back home. As soon as I got home, I denied that I went to the store… and I denied it to myself. For no reason either. I just was not 100% sure that I actually went to the store. It was like I had a strange fear of lying or something.. so instead, I would just choose to not be sure of anything, but it wasn’t a choice.  Another example: I would see a red car drive by the house, and within seconds, I wasn’t sure if it really happened. After a few months of this, I did my research, and learned that it was a part of my OCD. Learning this actually helped the thoughts go away, because at that point, I started to accept my illness.

I’m sure it is obvious by now as to why people with OCD don’t open up more about the illness. Recently, there was a woman that was arrested and her child was taken away from her for a few hours while she was being interrogated. Her arrest was made because she opened up about her frightening thoughts, and someone without OCD reported her. They made an assumption without educating themselves on what OCD really is. So, the next time you say you are “so OCD” because you like things organized a certain way, you like to be very clean, you like to always be on time, etc. Remember all of these details. Do you still think OCD is cool? It is not a personality trait, it is a real disorder, a very debilitating disorder that can take over someone’s life.

Since it has happened to me and I have become more open with it, feel free to ask me anything. If you have read it all the way down to here, I am grateful for you. Thank you for taking the time to educate yourself on this illness. 🙂

–Tara Schwab

My OCD Story…

Hello everyone! I wanted to write this little article to further discuss the topic of… I’m sure you can guess… OCD! I try to make it seem exciting when in all honesty, it is probably one of the worst things one can have. I wrote a long note a few years back in detail about how each day went for me from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. Although, it has been better, it’s not gone. I can honestly say, I haven’t functioned like a normal person in 12 years. Now, I don’t need sympathy, I just want people to be more educated on the true meaning of OCD and how tough it is on us OCDers. So again, no sympathy or hugs, I just need people to be by my side and fight with me. Everyone with OCD has a different story, but here is mine…

My compulsions and rituals started when I was 16 years old, I know exactly how they started too, but it is not something I feel comfortable posting about on the internet. I started with counting. I have always had a thing with odd numbers, but at first, it started with just a few things. Once I had done something once, I would do the same thing twice every time to keep it at that odd number. One of those things was switching the lights on and off. If I flicked a light on once, I would flick the light on and off twice every time afterwards. I still, to this day, still have to position my fingers a certain way when touching light switches. As time went on, it progressed into everything I touch, look at, think about, and even my breathing. Yes, I have a ritual for everything. I feel as if I look ridiculous when I publicly do certain things, such as turning my head. If I turn my head one way, I have to do it again, sometimes up to three or more times. I often have to repeat words when I am speaking, but I repeat them silently to myself so people don’t question me. I even have rituals with my thoughts. There are times that I have to repeat the same word or phrase in my head. All of these rituals are to prevent bad things from happening. Sometimes the bad thoughts are specific, and sometimes they are just random, such as any bad thing could happen if I don’t perform my rituals correctly. If I force myself to NOT perform a ritual, the mental turmoil is indescribable. My breathing gets heavier as my anxiety starts up, then I find myself constantly watching every detail of my surroundings, because I am aware that anything bad can happen at any given moment. The long note I was referring to discusses, in detail, when my compulsions were at the very worst. As I said, I have been better, but since I still have it, I believe that all lives depend on my rituals… all lives are in my hands.

It’s not easy to feel that you control all lives. Someone can die simply because I didn’t touch the bathroom door with the side of my pointer finger on my right hand. Someone will get into a car accident if I don’t position my cup in just the right spot exactly two inches from the edge of the counter, and I have to make sure to turn the cup around until it feels just right. Or someone will be diagnosed with cancer if I don’t turn the radio up to volume 21, back down to 20, then up to 21 again. Sadly, these are just a few examples. I have a ritual for literally every single thing I do. Everything.

It wasn’t until just a few years ago, I developed obsessions. These obsessions cause intrusive thoughts. I don’t feel comfortable going into detail about my thoughts, but they are based around me thinking I am a really bad person. Only a select few people know the details of my thoughts: Steven, my cousin Jenna, my mom, and John. I would obsess over it so much that I started to convince myself that I actually wanted to act on my thoughts. At that point, I felt that I wasn’t worthy of love, and worse, I felt that I wasn’t worthy of God. When I feel that I am not worthy of anyone, friends get concerned that I am mad at them, since I get pretty quiet. When actually, it’s quite the opposite, I’m mad at myself, and feel that I don’t deserve anyone. I feel that they don’t need to be in the presence of such a terrible person.

As these thoughts continued, they started to consume my life. I would spend hours in tears while looking up information on my thoughts. I learned that these thoughts are a symptom of OCD. Learning this calmed me down immediately, but the problem with OCD is that it is relentless and does not give up. It doesn’t matter how many times one can tell me that I am a good person, my brain tells me that I am not. The worst part about all of this is that if I feel better about one thing, my OCD starts to dwell on another. It started out with me thinking I am a bad person, then I started having negative thoughts about my relationship, then I started feeling guilty for things I never did wrong, then I started feeling ashamed of myself because of simple habits that I do… and these are things that everyone does! As I said though, OCD is relentless, so it doesn’t matter that I know the facts, I still have anxiety over my thoughts.

It wasn’t until recently that I finally learned how to stop the intrusive thoughts and calm my anxiety… I have to accept them. I accept all of the thoughts that I have and I accept my anxiety. When I have a bad thought, I don’t fight it off, I just think about it. When I am having anxiety, I don’t try so hard to get rid of it, I accept that I am having anxiety, I just feel it and ride it out. I have discovered that accepting the thoughts and accepting my anxiety helps to alleviate them. In the meantime,  I continue to do yoga and meditate when I can. It seems to be working for me so far!

Now, when you see me, just know that I am a good person, I’m smart,  I choose to live a happy and healthy life, and I do everything in my power to not let OCD and anxiety control my life. It’s a constant battle, day in and day out, but I also know in my heart that God is there for me, and I will always win. 🙂